Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
