I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
