What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
