btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
