okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
