You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
