Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
