i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
