I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
