Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
