my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
