So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
