We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
