i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
