I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
