If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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