I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
