i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
