is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
