The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
