I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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