I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
