I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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