i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
