I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
