Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
