the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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