I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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