I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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