is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Randomize
