Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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