When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
