May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So squirting runs in the family.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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