Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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