i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
