im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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