What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
