I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
