What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
