I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
