yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
