A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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