She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Are my feet made of real feet?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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