so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm at about main and main street
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
