I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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