I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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