Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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