Swine flu is the new snow day.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
