I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
