I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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