I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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